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Greetings unknowing extraterrestrial replacements of people that continue to still believe the lie that they are the original! A few weeks have gone by since the previous owner of the face you're wearing now checked out the news, so lets help you maintain the façade of being a real human and catch up on what's been going on since then!
HUDSON LAYS GROUNDWORK FOR POLITICAL SUCCESSORS 6 November 3309
In a shock move that has literally never happened before in the entire history of politics, Zachary Hudson has set out plans to rush through a wave of legislation that benefits the Republican party, right before he leaves. Such legislation includes regulating news to fit 'Federal values', tax cuts for corporations that have contracts with the Federal government and forcibly replacing all citizens eyes with cameras that feed directly to Zachary Hudson's personal datapad. It's being seen as a bit of a salt the Earth kind of move, seeing as obviously the incoming Liberal party will have to spend time fixing it when they get in. When asked for a comment Zachary Hudson was quoted as saying "MUAH HA HA HA!" before promptly swishing his cape and disappearing in a puff of smoke.
PALIN MAKES THARGOID SPIRE BREAKTHROUGH 10 November 3309
Having previously announced the shocking revelation that the Thargoid spires were pointy in design, Professor Palin has made another astounding discovery. It appears that the Thargoid spires are designed to harvest resources for use by the Thargoid Titans. This is fueling speculation that getting right up in our personal space may be causing the Titans to run low on some vital components, maybe fuel, an enzyme or the latest episodes of Mrs. Mandible Investigates. With this knowledge in hand Palin and her team have started work on a contaminant to disrupt the spires and will soon be looking to see how these can be administered. It's a good thing there's no previous evidence that poisoning, contaminating or otherwise trying to hurt the Thargoids with science has ever gone badly.
WINTERS RESISTS HUDSON’S LEGACY PROJECTS 13 November 3309
In a move described by politicians and policy experts as "Well duh", Felicia Winters has announced she will be doing everything in her power to resist the last minute legislation Zachary Hudson has tried to sneak in whilst wearing a top hat and monocle. She stated that these actions are obviously an attempt to help Jerome Archer have an easier job as the shadow president, consider he did so poorly in the election results. Of particular importance was her mission to clamp down on the invasive anti-privacy legislation the Republican party is so fond of, indicating that we might finally be able to shower without the PDB letting us know we picked up the conditioner rather than the shower gel. Interestingly she has also announced plans to cut down on military spending, which is a strange choice when giant crusty anger petals are trying to eat your face.
CONCERNS RAISED OVER TITAN RETURNEES 14 November 3309
In keeping with the ancient human tradition of "Something is a little different, lets fear it", the chief researcher at Kamadhenu Medipure has called for the victims of Thargoid abduction to be detained and given a healthy bit of killing just to make sure. This totally scientific suggestion has come about from the discovery of minor physiological changes at a very superficial level. You know, the sort of superficial changes you might get from being stored in alien biopods for an unreasonable amount of time. Other scientists, casually glossing over the call to just euthanise them all, have suggested that they should certainly remain in quarantine but that there was no evidence to suggest such an overreaction was warranted. Meanwhile Azimuth biotech put its hand up to remind everyone it was still there but was promptly told to sit down and shut up.
TORVAL MINING CAMPAIGN MARKS OWNERSHIP CHANGE 16 November 3309
Senator Zemina Torval has decided enough is enough and handed over their shares of the Torval Mining group to their eldest progeny, Constantia Torval. Such a down to Earth name. This elevates her role from mummy's bestest nepotism project to full fledged CEO. So nice to see someone do well from hard work and drive. To celebrate the "change" in leadership Torval Mining launched a campaign to gather mined materials for increased monetary gain. The good news for the Empire is that Zemina Torval was very much focused on doing everything in-house, whereas Constantia has rightly decided that's far too much work and has already started looking to build new relationships in the Empire to shift some of her workload.
ALLIANCE REVIEWS SIRIUS DEFENCE PACT 20 November 3309
After remembering that they were actually still there, the Alliance has approved a review of their defensive partnership with the Sirius corporation. This decision came about when someone noticed Sirius had done less for their alliance than Zachary Rackham did for political integrity. With a reformed Aegis rising as a real power house in the fight against the chonky cataclysm kebabs, there is a fair amount of pressure on President Mahon to either terminate the agreement or have a long hard chat with them about the terms moving forward.
MINING CAMPAIGN IN LHS 3872 CONCLUDES 23 November 3309
Constantia Torval has announced that the campaign to make them more profitable has been a roaring success, making it a great start to her reign as CEO of the Torval Mining group. This victory will help set the company up to be more profitable, no doubt helping grease a few palms with her relationship building attempts across the Empire. Meanwhile Vox Galactica took a few minutes to look at how all evidence points towards Zemina Torval taking early retirement at the very young age of 132. Her recent actions to hand over a large amount of wealth and power to her offspring and her rapidly growing collection of cats do seem to indicate she may be taking a step back from the Empire political sphere.
AZIMUTH BIOTECH: ‘WE CAN SERVE ALLIANCE’ 24 November 3309
In the back of the crowd a small hand keeps bobbing up and down as the cry of "Hey! Yes, hello! Hey! I'm here" echo quietly around the room. Azimuth "We're only mostly unpopular" Biotech has jumped at the chance to let the Alliance know that if Sirius isn't really working out for them, that Azimuth are on hand and ready to join forces. Heralding their role as one of the top makers of anti-Xeno weaponary, mainly because they necessitated the need for so much of them in the first place, Azimuth has said they can provide the Alliance with all the weapons and defences they need in the fight against the Baguettes of questionable friendliness. Politicians are currently torn on whether it's a good idea to work closely with the people who basically engineered Armageddon but Vox Galactic News highlighted a different issue, namely that they weren't offering to provide any of the big Guardian engineered weapons previously used to repaint planets with big green circles. This might just be indicating that without big brain time Salvation around, Azimuth isn't actually all that good at making the really powerful stuff after all...
That's it for this week! Sit back, relax, enjoy the day and wait for your secret orders from the Grand High Mega Brain. All hail their lobes of legendary luminosity.
HUDSON LAYS GROUNDWORK FOR POLITICAL SUCCESSORS 6 November 3309
In a shock move that has literally never happened before in the entire history of politics, Zachary Hudson has set out plans to rush through a wave of legislation that benefits the Republican party, right before he leaves. Such legislation includes regulating news to fit 'Federal values', tax cuts for corporations that have contracts with the Federal government and forcibly replacing all citizens eyes with cameras that feed directly to Zachary Hudson's personal datapad. It's being seen as a bit of a salt the Earth kind of move, seeing as obviously the incoming Liberal party will have to spend time fixing it when they get in. When asked for a comment Zachary Hudson was quoted as saying "MUAH HA HA HA!" before promptly swishing his cape and disappearing in a puff of smoke.
PALIN MAKES THARGOID SPIRE BREAKTHROUGH 10 November 3309
Having previously announced the shocking revelation that the Thargoid spires were pointy in design, Professor Palin has made another astounding discovery. It appears that the Thargoid spires are designed to harvest resources for use by the Thargoid Titans. This is fueling speculation that getting right up in our personal space may be causing the Titans to run low on some vital components, maybe fuel, an enzyme or the latest episodes of Mrs. Mandible Investigates. With this knowledge in hand Palin and her team have started work on a contaminant to disrupt the spires and will soon be looking to see how these can be administered. It's a good thing there's no previous evidence that poisoning, contaminating or otherwise trying to hurt the Thargoids with science has ever gone badly.
WINTERS RESISTS HUDSON’S LEGACY PROJECTS 13 November 3309
In a move described by politicians and policy experts as "Well duh", Felicia Winters has announced she will be doing everything in her power to resist the last minute legislation Zachary Hudson has tried to sneak in whilst wearing a top hat and monocle. She stated that these actions are obviously an attempt to help Jerome Archer have an easier job as the shadow president, consider he did so poorly in the election results. Of particular importance was her mission to clamp down on the invasive anti-privacy legislation the Republican party is so fond of, indicating that we might finally be able to shower without the PDB letting us know we picked up the conditioner rather than the shower gel. Interestingly she has also announced plans to cut down on military spending, which is a strange choice when giant crusty anger petals are trying to eat your face.
CONCERNS RAISED OVER TITAN RETURNEES 14 November 3309
In keeping with the ancient human tradition of "Something is a little different, lets fear it", the chief researcher at Kamadhenu Medipure has called for the victims of Thargoid abduction to be detained and given a healthy bit of killing just to make sure. This totally scientific suggestion has come about from the discovery of minor physiological changes at a very superficial level. You know, the sort of superficial changes you might get from being stored in alien biopods for an unreasonable amount of time. Other scientists, casually glossing over the call to just euthanise them all, have suggested that they should certainly remain in quarantine but that there was no evidence to suggest such an overreaction was warranted. Meanwhile Azimuth biotech put its hand up to remind everyone it was still there but was promptly told to sit down and shut up.
TORVAL MINING CAMPAIGN MARKS OWNERSHIP CHANGE 16 November 3309
Senator Zemina Torval has decided enough is enough and handed over their shares of the Torval Mining group to their eldest progeny, Constantia Torval. Such a down to Earth name. This elevates her role from mummy's bestest nepotism project to full fledged CEO. So nice to see someone do well from hard work and drive. To celebrate the "change" in leadership Torval Mining launched a campaign to gather mined materials for increased monetary gain. The good news for the Empire is that Zemina Torval was very much focused on doing everything in-house, whereas Constantia has rightly decided that's far too much work and has already started looking to build new relationships in the Empire to shift some of her workload.
ALLIANCE REVIEWS SIRIUS DEFENCE PACT 20 November 3309
After remembering that they were actually still there, the Alliance has approved a review of their defensive partnership with the Sirius corporation. This decision came about when someone noticed Sirius had done less for their alliance than Zachary Rackham did for political integrity. With a reformed Aegis rising as a real power house in the fight against the chonky cataclysm kebabs, there is a fair amount of pressure on President Mahon to either terminate the agreement or have a long hard chat with them about the terms moving forward.
MINING CAMPAIGN IN LHS 3872 CONCLUDES 23 November 3309
Constantia Torval has announced that the campaign to make them more profitable has been a roaring success, making it a great start to her reign as CEO of the Torval Mining group. This victory will help set the company up to be more profitable, no doubt helping grease a few palms with her relationship building attempts across the Empire. Meanwhile Vox Galactica took a few minutes to look at how all evidence points towards Zemina Torval taking early retirement at the very young age of 132. Her recent actions to hand over a large amount of wealth and power to her offspring and her rapidly growing collection of cats do seem to indicate she may be taking a step back from the Empire political sphere.
AZIMUTH BIOTECH: ‘WE CAN SERVE ALLIANCE’ 24 November 3309
In the back of the crowd a small hand keeps bobbing up and down as the cry of "Hey! Yes, hello! Hey! I'm here" echo quietly around the room. Azimuth "We're only mostly unpopular" Biotech has jumped at the chance to let the Alliance know that if Sirius isn't really working out for them, that Azimuth are on hand and ready to join forces. Heralding their role as one of the top makers of anti-Xeno weaponary, mainly because they necessitated the need for so much of them in the first place, Azimuth has said they can provide the Alliance with all the weapons and defences they need in the fight against the Baguettes of questionable friendliness. Politicians are currently torn on whether it's a good idea to work closely with the people who basically engineered Armageddon but Vox Galactic News highlighted a different issue, namely that they weren't offering to provide any of the big Guardian engineered weapons previously used to repaint planets with big green circles. This might just be indicating that without big brain time Salvation around, Azimuth isn't actually all that good at making the really powerful stuff after all...
That's it for this week! Sit back, relax, enjoy the day and wait for your secret orders from the Grand High Mega Brain. All hail their lobes of legendary luminosity.