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CCP Falcon threw the first punch.
CCP Fozzie crumbled to the floor like a sack of bricks, but upon regaining his bearings spun around like a whirling dervish until he was balancing on his fingers, his legs spread in a perfect horizontal plane as he spun-kick Falcon in the face repeatedly until Fozzie jumped into the air and delivered the final round-house kick that compelled CCP Falcon to meet the drywall behind him face-to-face in a hideous crunch. Somebody would have to pay for this.
Fozzie would have to pay for this.
The fighting continued until Hilmar Veigar, eight-foot tall human barbarian threw his desk into the hallway to break up the fighting. "Why is their fighting in my mead hall?" boomed Hilmar. "Do I need to get the HR Department in here to hold me back?"
"We have a human relations department?" CCP Fozzie asked.
"No, you psychic vampire of nullsec," Hilmar growled. "Human Rights. For I will commit a war crime if you all don't stop fighting. What's the problem?"
"The servers are draining all of our electricity! We have a notice from the electric company that if we don't cease using so much power, they will cut us off for good!" Falcon began to sob.
"How else are we going to neglect EVE Online for our next stupid VR project," CCP Fozzie cried, "if we don't have electricity?"
"Is that why you were fighting?"
"No, he said my ass was flatter than the reception of my sovereignty changes."
Normally Hilmar would ask his Korean overlords to help him convince the electric company to endure the colossal burden of his server which has eaten at least three people including the late and great CCP Seagull. However, he had already found a solution to this problem.
"Come with me, I must show you all something." Hilmar beckoned them to follow, and they set sail to London where the genetic memory of the last time a group of Icelandic men landed on the shoreline compelled the population to throw down their jewelry and flee in terror. They went to the underground bunker where the server was stored and locked the door behind them.
"Behold," Hilmar said. He rushed past the chained-up server whose maw opened to swallow him and whose bound tendrils attempted in vain to grab his penis, and pulled off the giant tablecloth that covered up... a generator with a phonograph horn on it.
"What is that?" CCP Fozzie asked.
"This is the most environmentally friendly perpetual motion device," Hilmar explained. "It is an engine that runs off of screaming."
"Screaming?"
"Screaming."
CCP Fozzie and Falcon looked at each other, and back at their warchief skeptically.
"Why not corn?"
"Not renewable enough, screams are eternal."
Falcon raised an eyebrow. "We cannot scream forever."
"No, but the EVE Online community can," Hilmar grinned. "Here, watch. I am going to turn off local in null-security space and nerf the VNI so it isn't the be-all-end-all PVE ship."
"All of those changes," Fozzie responded with disgust, "are good. And popular. I hate both of those things, but why would they scream over that?"
"Because no matter what you do in any MMO, especially EVE, even if you make all the right decisions," Hilmar said, flipping the switch to "off" on local chat in Nullsec and pressed the "make it not a botter's paradise" button for the VNI. "The community will always scream over it."
Instantly the EVE Server opened its gaping maw and began emitting the screams of millions of EVE Online players, all of Goons and Panfam and BRAVE and TEST and everyone else in EVE. All joined hand in hand to wail in mad and sorrowful screams.
"Okay yeah they're screaming a lot," Falcon said. "But as soon as you turn it back on they'll stop, right?"
"I'm not turning it off."
"Oh? Ooooooooh," both Falcon and Fozzie said. Hilmar shut off the electricity, but the server was still feral and active, screaming for all eternity because EVE Online started to become a good game that one might have to put a modicum of goddamn effort and attention into to succeed. Hilmar, Fozzie, and Falcon left London proudly, because for the first time in a long time nullsec was dangerous and interesting, like wormhole space if anyone lived in it.
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