devtrackers.gg
Now, I can hear y'all rebutting, "uhh but my wife Ahri/Lux/Evelynn/Ezreal is comprised of the ideal factors: a cute face and a hot body" you say as Dorito crumbs spew out of your mouth and you wipe the artificial nacho cheese dust off of your bloated, obese fingers and onto your jizz-stained sweatpants. While I do agree with the concept of choosing your significant other based on nothing but cosmetic, superficial details, you owe it to yourself for that shallow river you call your "standards" to have some variety.
Let's go over those criteria you mentioned earlier: Face and Body. Frankly, I don't think a whole segment dedicated to arguing that Rek'sai is the most attractive entity in Valoran needs to be made. It's not even a contest.
And that's not mentioning this queen's headgame. "Oh, but Ahri and Evelynn are succubus ladies, but Ezreal makes such cute noises, but 4000 year old Zoe can-" It's all irrelevant. She has Sangheili Jaw. We've all played Halo, and everyone who's ever played a Halo game spent their entire playthrough thinking about nothing but "God I wish an Elite would jump through my screen and schlorp-schlorp my soul out through my urethra." But them being fictional, non-existent aliens prevented that from being a reality. Void Mommy GF (who's as real as the flying hippo that chases the LSD-addicted homeless guy I let live in my attic) can satiate these desires with her unhinged, gaping maw.
"But how can I return the favor? She's like 50 feet tall, and I'm already too small for Zoe, there's no way-" Excuses. Even if you were Lexington Steele, you'd still need to make use of the other tools biology gifted you with. And even then, they wouldn't do the trick on their own. You're gonna need goddamn climbing gear just to achieve penetration, and do advanced dance routines while you're in there to spark a reaction from her. Seems like a lot of effort? Good. Your skeleton is struggling every day to hold up your corpulent biomass, you could do to shed a couple 450 lbs. And just as importantly, your significant other should drive you to be the best version of yourself.
And don't get me started on all this "dommy mommy" crap I hear about. Damn near every mildly attractive woman these terminally online f*ckwits see is a "dommy mommy", even if they don't have one lousy kid, even if they don't have a single shred of bossiness in them. Having children and a domineering, in-charge attitude are prerequisites for the title "Dommy Mommy", and my friend, Rek'sai delivers. In spades.
Fret not about child support, either. She values her own kids less than you or I do. This means two very important things: She'll throw a couple of her brats' lives away if it means you and the rest of her offspring getting a meal. And she needs to replace the ones she does lose, so she is Down. To. f*ck. Constantly. As stated before, such an action is a rather monumental task, but her wearing the pants and going out on hunts should leave you with enough energy and time to prepare for when she gets back to the den.
"But will she love me the same way my Gwen bodypillow does?"
No. You play League. You don't deserve love.
"But Camille, Fiora, Irelia, Akali- they're all so much better than her in-game-" Of course they are! Affronts to game design are going to be more efficient than an actual fair champ. People can instantly recognize you for the elo-inflated bronzie you are when they see your 300,000 mastery points on your waifus, but when was the last time you heard of someone complaining about Rek'sai of all champs being overpowered?
A champ that's been completely forgotten by Riot and is never going to get nerfed, and you have to actually earn wins. Think of the consistency with which you'll carry games, instead of locking in Yone, getting counter-picked by Pantheon, going 0/12, and then complaining that you could only get a measly Quadra-kill by rolling your acne-ridden face across your greasy keyboard.
"Aren't there any other... less imposing choices for a strong, calling-the-shots S.O.?" First off, that's part of the appeal, second off, yes. This wouldn't have required much effort on my end if she didn't have any competition, but I believe I've ruled them all out.
Captain Sarah Fortune still appeals to the "waifish waifu" crowd, appearance-wise, but she's the boss of f*cking Bilgewater. That place is as bad as Cleveland (though it does lag behind Chicago and Detroit). However, she's a bit too engrained in the Sigma Pirate Grindset and getting revenge on the old mayor, so she might not be a great option.
Vi? Paula Blart: British Mall Cop beat us to the punch.
Illaoi? Devotedly Religious. Which isn't a bad thing by any stretch, it's just a very incompatible lifestyle for many people.
Camille? Literally heartless. And getting involved with the upper echelons of Politics is not something I'd recommend.
Renata Glasc? See the previous point about politics, and f*cktuple the severity. Zaunites don't mess around.
Sejuanni? I don't care if her dick is as big as your femur, no one in their right mind wants to live in permanent -40 degree weather. That, and her really buff, really scary dad has the spirit of Volibear in his head talking to him and it's driven him f*cking insane.
Bel'veth? While she is a proper void Dommy Mommy, she doesn't just want to hunt and eat random passers-by, she wants to eradicate all life and replace sentient beings with void monsters. Too risky in my book, but approach at your own discretion.
Ambessa Medarda? Oh-ho-ho, this one was a point of contention for me. Sure, she has the same problem as Camille and Renata where you inadvertently get wrapped up in politics (Noxian politics, a few orders of magnitude more severe than Piltover & Zaun's). And while she might not be outright psychotic, she's pretty far south of "well adjusted", which Noxian-warmongerers rarely are in the first place.
But God. Damn.
Ultimately though, the negatives outweigh the positives. Rek'sai remains the ideal partner for individuals of taste.
"But the voice! I need Akali to utter Japanese words in an obnoxiously high-pitched voice. I need Ahri to sing softly in Korean-" Yes, I'm aware you suffer from K/D/A brain rot, but I've a feeling when you're crawled up Rek'mommy's cooch and she lets out an ear-drum rupturing shriek that causes a rockslide and destroys a nearby Shuriman village, you'll see what you've been missing out on.
Anyway, I think I've made my point. Easy on the eyes, easy on the ears, gives mad brain, exclusively the big spoon, etc. Hopefully, you've sense enough to take the Voidpill.
Moving onto my next rant: Which Runeterran Terrorist is the most Based? Now, Terrorists in Valoran can be anyone between Teemo and the Iron Revenant Mordekasier, and there are many ways of inflicting mass panic on a population. But I think we can all agree that accumulating the highest body count and property damage bill are the objectively best forms of terrorism. In this overview, we will-
External link →