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This is huge because I can go on my lunch break now and break even for the day! I walk into the building and am immediately greeted by the head manager who gives me an encouraging slap on the ass, titty twist, and a 10 year shiny medal as a reward for my sense of pride and accomplishment. MFW Riot Games knows how to reward its employees.
I give the head manager a mandatory great shotcaller (leadership, strategy) honor and head to my office. I sit down and toss the medal into my bi-daily rewards bin and log onto my work computer to view my daily missions. A message pops up on the screen:
"Congratulations! You arrived 2 minutes early today!"
My MMR (Measured Management Rating) subsequently increases to level 509, putting me 3 whole levels above the other plebians in this office. Pathetic. I proceed to open up my League of Legends work client and check my missions.
Boss wants me to talk to the oldest member of our team, Anthony. His point and click champion designs don't exactly foster the superior cognitive decision making that we're looking for here at Riot Games. Most of his designs don't even incorporate the T, Y, or U keys. We talk over the client's teamspeak and I deem him unfit for this highbrow intellectual work. He understands, although disappointed, and I honor him for his tilt-proof attitude on the way out.
Boss also wants me to update Pantheon this patch, but I'd rather just push my own agenda and make him into my personal vision of a spear warrior. After all, the golden rule states, "if it's the same character theme, it's the same gameplay." I make my way down to the champion creation station (which consists of 4 Twister spinners with sharpie written on them) and spin the first one for his new Q: 'Skill shot long ranged poke.' Sounds okay, but the 500 people still playing this game want something fresh, so I spin the wheel a second time. '15 passive MR and movespeed.' Still a little lackluster. Players need to earn their champions' mechanics. Nobody wants to play a champion unless it requires at least 3 setup procedures and specific environmental conditions to get a kill. MFW this is exactly why we fired Anthony.
According to the spinners:
His W will be a dash.
His E will be a hexagonal AOE stun/knockup.
His R is the same as before, but now it deals extra damage. See? We're always looking out for the Pantheon playerbase.
Now that we've got a pretty basic kit, it's time to spin the last wheel for the added Riot Charm.
His Q can now only be cast when there is a 5 in the game timer and his E is on cooldown.
His E won't require mana - logically, spears don't need mana. Instead, they use 'ferocity charges' stored on his W's passive, which only regenerate while facing North.
His R is the same as before.
But we need to maintain the spear theme.
"We wanted to make Pantheon's passive more fitting for the 'spear' theme, so we removed his shield and replaced it with another spear."
Perfect.
"We're making him attack twice at once at half the normal attack speed. To balance this, each spear breaks upon impact, and Pantheon starts the game with 500 spears. If Pantheon runs out, players can spend 20 minutes in base to create 500 more."
Riveting and unique. Players will love it. Time to send this masterpiece to the PBE. MFW meaningful decisions.
It's finally noon, and I prep for a well earned lunch break. I don't feel like eating out today, so I hit the loot-box-lunch-box button built into my desk and input the words "sun" and "defender" into the RGSN (Randomly Generated Skin Name) database for my payment. I can't help but pat myself on the back - that's the kind of skin name that Riot could milk for a decade.
The golden crate appears on my computer monitor and I sit back to enjoy the 90 second opening animation. To my surprise, I realize partway through that the new and improved League client is still open in the background and I dive for the power plug. However, I am too late, and the cpu bursts into flames. Third f*cking time this week. Guess I'm not eating today.
Around 3, I pick up a call from my boss. He thinks that my Pantheon changes are too reliable. He wants me to come up with a another conditional effect at a very minimum. Too reliable? I'm not Anthony. I'll show him an unreliable champion! Famished and furious, I throw the phone through the window behind me and close my eyes to meditate for a few minutes. It seems this time... I'll actually have to use my brain.
I prepare for an ultimate brain blast by channeling blood into my frontal lobe. My body temperature skyrockets to 104 degrees and I begin convulsing on the floor. My IQ surpasses 300, and my decision making skills become too powerful for this feeble realm. I can feel each individual atom around me split apart as the encompassing darkness reveals the neverending cosmos unto my mortal eyes. Millions of possible champion designs zip by for fleeting moments and my subconscious attempts to sift through the infinite. But out of all that is, was, and ever will be, my brain brings to fruition the best possible answer:
The Wii Balance Board. Yes. That is it. Pantheon will be controlled with the Wii Balance Board.
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