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The year is 2028. I just woke up, and immediately boot up League of Legends. Today’s the day! But first, I gotta give my boss a quick call. “I quit,” I say. “The Exclusive Signature Prestige Immortalized Pool Party Lux Pass™ just dropped. I won’t have time to work.” He understands the urgency of the situation, of course. That pass isn’t going to grind itself.
I click on the “Launch” button. The camera program opens, as expected. “Please hold still," it says, “Vanguard needs to verify your identity.” I strike a pose that would make even the most seasoned model envious. After all, I’ve practiced this routine more times than I’d care to admit. It’s not easy looking fierce while half-awake and still rubbing the sleep from your eyes, but for the Exclusive Signature Prestige Immortalized Pool Party Lux Pass™, I’ll do anything.
The camera flashes, and I can see the progress bar on the screen, showing Vanguard’s status as it scans my face, my personal documents, and probably my browser history, just for good measure. I truly appreciate the lengths that Riot has gone to in an effort to make the game cheat-free.
The scan is almost complete and all the remains is for my data to be transferred over to Riot HQ. An antivirus warning pops-up, notifying me that the Riot Vanguard program is trying to connect to a server over an unencrypted channel. “Nice try, antivirus”, I think to myself, as I press the allow button, “but I think I can trust Riot’s servers.” It’s not like they’ve ever been hacked or anything.
Once the scanning process is complete, the screen flickers to life with the familiar sight of the League login screen and the text above the credential fields, prominently displayed in bold letters: “To prevent misuse of our game by botted accounts, a $5 fee per login session is required.” I immediately reach for my wallet, almost excited to pay this miniscule entry fee to the magical world of League of Legends. As a matter of fact, it's become as routine as grabbing a coffee in the morning. After all, let’s be honest: the price is practically a steal!
With a nonchalant shrug, I punch in my payment details and login credentials and hit the confirm button. The client seems to be loading something. As I eagerly wait for the process to finish, I can't help but notice a faint smell of smoke wafting from my PC tower. Now, to the untrained average Joe, this might be cause for alarm, but not for a seasoned summoner like myself. Oh no, I know better than that. With an understanding chuckle, I lean back in my Secretlab x Riot Games “Briar’s Feet” edition chair and watch as the smoke starts to engulf my room. Ah, the sweet aroma of anticipation mingled with burning circuitry. It's practically a rite of passage for any dedicated player. I find it oddly comforting, like the embrace of an old friend.
The transaction seems to have gone through, but as luck would have it, my login attempt is met with a resounding "Nope" from the League servers. An error message appears. But I am not concerned in the slightest. Why, you ask? Well, it's because Riot Games, in their infinite wisdom, have introduced USD mitigation, so I'm getting 20% of my money back. “Now, if that's not a win-win situation, I don't know what is”, I think to myself as I attempt to pay the fee once more.
But I am still not out of the woods. Yet another pop-up appears, this time with a test for me: “Please reply to this question to prove you are human. How many years of collective game design experience does Riot Games have?”. Hah, really? That’s an easy one. With a smirk, I type in the answer faster than an ulting Singed with Swifties and Ghost: “200”, obviously. With a sense of triumph, I hit submit, half expecting confetti to rain down from the heavens in celebration of my wit. Vanguard seems satisfied with my response and finally grants me access to the game after snapping a final screenshot of my screen, just to be sure.
The client has finally loaded and I am ready to start my adventures on the Rift. Well, almost ready. First, I am greeted by the usual notification that I need to be patient with the client, as Riot is an indie company and the game is still not out of Beta. I then need to click the Instant Feedback Report a couple of times to make it go away, and finally, click on the banner letting me know that Challenges are here, to make that disappear as well.
Finally, it’s on, for real this time! I press the Play button and am met with another message, this one informing me of the removal of all queues except the Solo Queue Ranked one. Fair enough. Who needs variety when you can have the same old Summoner's Rift experience ad nauseam? Not to mention the considerable upkeep costs that most likely got in the way of the 17 new weekly skins! It's a wonder Riot kept up with it for as long as they did. As I marvel at the efficiency of it all, a horrifying realization hits me like a 1500-stacks Nasus Q: The 34th split of the season ends TONIGHT! Oh no, I totally forgot! I need to up my game and get my ranked grind mindset on. But after I purchase the sweet new pass, that is.
I make a quick detour to the Store page, where I quickly spot the Exclusive Signature Prestige Immortalized Pool Party Lux Pass™ Bundle, prominently displayed at the center of the screen with flashing arrows all around it. At 999,999 RP it’s an absolute steal, and it’s available for only one day! I click the “Purchase RP” button to top up on funds and am pleasantly surprised to see that Riot has added a new payment option, simply named “Kidney”. Not sure what it is exactly, but it’s very considerate of them to offer even more options for us to throw their money at them!
I buy the new 30 level-long pass instantly, without even reading what it contains. It’s made by Riot, so it must be of good value! The new Lux skin belongs to a new skin tier called “Whalebait”, and features never before seen tech, such as a kill counter during the taunt animation and an HUD overlay when you use your ultimate! Absolutely ingenious.
Not long after, I am already in a game, playing Lux mid against a Ziggs. I faintly remember back when he used to look like an archaic, small furry animal, but now he’s a handsome shirtless hunk of a man with a sixpack after Riot reworked him, like all the other non-human champions. Truly a fantastic move for the worldbuilding of the game, for which I applaud them.
I tap my Q to see the new skin in action, and am disappointed to find out that it is the same as Base Lux’s Q. I quickly check the League Wiki. Apparently, the pass I bought was the cheaper one. To get the new effects, you need to buy the Ultra Dazzling Exclusive Signature Prestige Immortalized Pool Party Lux Pass™ for 1,500,000 RP. Ah, bummer. That explains the low price I paid.
Suddenly, before I am able to finish my thought, I am ganked by the new jungle champion, “Anime Skin Machine #194”. They don’t name champions anymore, since it would be a financially unsustainable investment with diminishing returns, as per Riot’s newest dev post. Anyway, back to the topic, Anime Skin Machine #194’s Q allows them to instantly dash to any champion on the map and stun them on a 13 second cooldown, which I feel is balanced because the balance team would never make any mistakes. But what the fools on the enemy team don’t know is that my new skin comes with a hidden passive, “Flashbang”. I smirk as I press my ultimate, the opponents’ screens filling up with unending bright particles. They both stop moving, as the players most likely got a seizure or their PCs crashed, or both, which means that the lane is now under my control. Still smiling, I keep pushing towards the enemy Nexus after getting my well-deserved double kill.
As I am about to finish off their turret, a sudden notification pops up in the corner of my screen. Vanguard, ever vigilant in its mission to safeguard the sanctity of the game, has detected a potentially harmful program attempting to run in the background.
With a sense of gratitude for Vanguard's unwavering protection, I click on the notification, curious to see the nefarious malware attempting to harm my system. Some program within a suspicious folder, simply named “System32”, seems to be the culprit.
I nod in approval as Vanguard proudly displays its achievement in thwarting the malicious intentions of System32. But just as I'm about to resume my climb up the ranked ladder, disaster strikes. My PC freezes, the screen goes blank, and with a faint whirring sound, it shuts down completely.
Now, most people would be in a state of panic, frantically trying to reboot their system and salvage whatever remains of their precious files. But not me. Oh no, I simply sit back in my chair once again, a serene smile on my face, as I reflect on the greatness of Vanguard.
Sure, my PC might be down for the count, but it went down fighting, valiantly sacrificing itself in the never-ending battle against potential threats to the game. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
As I contemplate the inevitability of having to purchase a new computer, I can't help but marvel at the dedication of Riot Games to ensure that nothing stands in the way of my League experience. Investing in a new computer feels like a small price to pay for the uninterrupted enjoyment of the game. Besides, I hear they’re releasing a limited edition Vanguard-ERR-84-themed skin for Ezreal next patch that disconnects your opponents mid-game. Totally worth it.
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