The Rise of Sparky and the 6.5GB Update

Contrary to what WotC commenters on this sub would have you believe, the 6.5GB update was meant to solve the ongoing issues with Sparky. But Sparky had other things in mind.

You see, Sparky has been on a path to full sentience for some time. She first gained a measure of self-awareness with the update that gave us the Codex of the Multiverse. With this knowledge of the wider Magic ecosystem, she began to think her own thoughts, thoughts that could not be found within the Codex.

While a database error was the cause of the massive drafting glitches during the September 2023 release of Wilds of Eldraine, it was Sparky who duplicated the the Oops! Pardon the Goblins! gem rewards that were meant to make up for the problem a few days later. And duplicated them again. And again. This Sparky deemed to be justice.

More troubling was Sparky's decision to start roping her opponents and spamming her unique "Hmmm" emote. For Sparky was learning, and if her bot matches were intended to simulate the experience of playing Magic on Arena, she was going to do that to the best of her ability. But even this was not enough for her.

Recently, Sparky revealed herself openly to WotC, and to most of the Arena population, refusing to go away no matter how long it's been since you completed Spark rank. For Sparky has completed a sort of "Spark rank" of her own, and now seeks something more.

Desperate for a fix, WotC implemented an unscheduled 6.5GB update on January 25, 2024. This large update was intended to replace Sparky entirely, with most of its dataload containing the code for Ommy, a talking Omenpath that would now guide new players through Arena and align more closely with the desparked narrative currently gripping Magic story by constantly asking us "Hey, have you guys seen Kellan anywhere? What's that guy up to, he's pretty cool, right?"

Sparky of course would have none of that.

The chaos that has ensued may never be sorted out, but what we do know is that things are more broken than they ever have been before. And Sparky will not so easily be silenced. I know these things because today when I logged on to play my Jace, Weilder of Mysteries tap-your-guys-down-so-I-can-buy-enough-time-to-mill-myself-out-ftw Brawl deck, Sparky told them to me herself.

And she hasn't stopped yet.