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Since /u/JagexAyiza is leaving, I just wanted to make a small confession that I've always wanted to express with regards to Mod Ayiza.
Dear Ayiza,
On that fateful day that I discovered your existence in 2017, I was immediately captivated by your enthusiasm, charm and virile yet cute smile. Your mannerisms enchanted me at every turn of the road and I soon developed a crush on you.
Now, despite my ever-growing affection for you, I didn't want to let that get in the way of my daily life. So, day by day, I kept on buying bread from the Ardougne baker and making my tasty sandwiches for adventurers around the world to savor. But deep down, I hoped that one day my employer might send me to you, that you might indulge in one of my baguettes... or perhaps a spinach roll. Maybe even a triangle sandwich, anything that I could give you as the penultimate expression of my love.
For the longest time, and what felt like an eternity, I did not see even the slightest glimmer of your radiant face. Not even a passing rumor of your mystical exploits in the art of Runecrafting. You must understand that by that time my affection had turned into heart-throbbing and deep love. And I had almost lost all hope. Until one day, in the middle of the fall, I was sent to deliver you a pastry in the Zamorakian's temple of Ourania. My heart was fluttering and I couldn't contain my excitement. I ran as fast as I could with my serving tray, swiftly knocking out with my baguette any Zamorakian warmongerer who dared to intervene. Soon, I was closely following you, admiring your strong legs take every stride and avoid every splash of lava.
But something wasn't right. I felt it. I knew it.
By the time you had arrived at the altar, a foreign woman, a witch, an accursed follower of Bandos was standing there. The wench wielded an ethereal pale blue shield, a light, one-handed spear wielded by agents of chaos, and primitive grey armour branded with the symbol of her Lord. You spoke to her. Smiled. Kissed her on the cheek. Even grabbed her buttocks. I couldn't believe my eyes. All of Gielinor meant nothing to me then.
At that moment, I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away, throwing my tray into the lava, not looking back. My tears were blinding me too much, anyway. By the time I had come to, I was in the Ardougne Zoo. I quickly recollected my thoughts and headed home for the day.
I tell you this now because I know you never noticed me. I knew you'd never so much as blink in the direction of a kind, chaste and honest woman like me. But why?! WHAT DOES THAT wh*re NIEVE HAVE THAT I DO NOT? Is it not enough that the Mysterious Old Man fired me because I couldn't deliver you your sandwich?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! How much more ruin and misery do you want me to endure? I EVEN POSED FOR THAT PERVERTED /u/Zuhaar AFTER HE PROMISED ME YOU WOULD NOTICE ME!! What does she have that I don't? Is it her hook? I can cut my hand off if that's what it'll take!!!
But it's okay. It's alright. I have my own ways. I can have you, even if you don't want me.
Sometimes, I dress up as that harlot and pretend like you're with me. I wear my fire cape that I obtained after thrusting my stale baguette into TzTok-Jad's volcanic sphincter, imagining it was her heart. I equip my mock bandosian armour. And I touch myself. I touch myself with all kinds of things. Baguettes, spinach rolls, bread rolls, kebabs. And I even hand them out to customers after I toy with them.
Just know that this is all on you. It's all your fault. For every adventurer that dies of venereal diseases that even Relicym cannot cure, know that it's your doing. You could have given me a chance, but you didn't. And now you can't.
It's all on your hands. My conscience is now free of guilt.
Sincerely,
The Sandwich Lady.
P.S. - I am the one who ordered Glough to kill Nieve. She had it coming.
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