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Hello, my name is Zak and I'm an addict. I'm not really one for talking about myself or the "here's my story" kind of person, but today there is something inside me yelling at me to post this. Maybe someone really needs to see this and hopefully it will inspire them to make the leap themselves.
5 years, nearly 2,000 days consecutively, I fell asleep next to a bottle of liquor. The beginning was easy. I was 19 and it was normal in my friend group to party everyday. It wasn't until years later that my problem started to become obvious. My best friends had started graduating college, getting married, having kids, starting their lives. Me? I had a different group of drinking buddies for every bar within a 10 mile radius of my house. I had my day drinking group. I had my "lets party for 3 days straight" group. Alcohol was the fuel that sparked every romantic and emotional relationship I had, and the same fuel that inevitably burned them. It was still hard for me to see how bad my problem was. I had surrounded my entire life with people just like me. It seemed normal. I still worked enough to get my rent paid, so I was fine.. right?
And then we get to year 5.
The year the alcohol finally caught up with my body. The year I couldn't get out of bed until hours after I woke up. The year where I could progressively feel my body breaking down more and more each day. I was always hungover. I'd wake up sore, sweating, shaking, head pounding, heart fluttering. It felt as if every second I spent sober was a constant panic attack. It hurt to move. I would try to go a night without drinking, but that would just lead to more anxiety, more heart palpitations and brain fog. All the while the thought "This can all go away if you drink" bouncing vigorously around in my cerebellum. Fast forward another month to me waking up late for work, in so much pain that I needed a few shots to even brush my teeth (if i remembered to). Fast forward to my younger sister asking me why I was drunk at 10am at a family breakfast. Fast forward to 6 months straight of drinking all day everyday.
I spend those 6 months feeling absolutely helpless, worthless, and disgusted with myself. It wasn't always easy to keep myself supplied with all of the liquor I needed to get through a day so I had to get creative with how I acquired it. Most days I bought enough to get me through around 30 hours, but when I ran low and it was too late to buy more I simply "borrowed" what my roommates had stashed. It was never stealing in my mind. Well- not until I sobered up enough to realize what I'd done. I'd always had intentions of replacing what I drank that wasn't mine. Rarely was I able too. I would often wake up to my roommates yelling and arguing with each other. I've never been shot, but hearing your roommates yelling things like "He's a thief", "Worthless drunk", "He just needs to get the **** out", "I'm so done with this guy" when you already hate yourself and feel like you have absolutely zero control over who you are or what you do.... had me considering the option of buying a one-way ticket.
Then I woke up.
To this day I still can't explain it. I shot out of bed from a dead sleep. I was in tears? I was terrified for someone reason. I took a glance around my room to the cluttered jungle of dirty clothes, uber eats bags, and liquor bottles that had completely consumed every inch of walking space. It was gut wrenching. "I don't want to live like this" " This isn't me" "I didn't mean to get like this.." It was as if someone else had been controlling my body for the past 5 years and all of a sudden I woke up in control again. Like I had passed out 2000 days ago and I woke up in a real life nightmare. It was the second most horrifying experience of my life, however, much needed. For the first time I realized that if I don't do something and do it IMMEDIATLY I'm probably not going to live much longer, and if I do, it won't be a life worth living.
This was the first time I truly accepted within myself that I had a problem I could not fix on my own. I was terrified to do it, but I reached out to my family and told them everything. I was morbidly ashamed to admit everything. Scared sh*tless of what they would think of me. Turns out? They knew all along. They have been waiting so long for me to make that call. Within an hour my mom had found a rehab facility in Dallas Tx covered by my insurance and asked me what I thought. I signed up immediately.
10Hr drive from home to party prison. My sentence, 30 days.
Remember how I said that thing about the SECOND most horrifying experience of my life? Yep, that's because alcohol withdrawal takes the cake, the icing, the plate, the baker, and the whole damn town. It was the worst experience I have ever gone through and nothing even remotely comes close. (Oh, and my withdrawal symptoms where considered mild) Imagine 4 days straight of absolutely zero sleep and symptoms that mirror a severe panic attack but times 10 and it doesn't end. 4 days straight of shaking, head aches, brain fog, heart fluttering out of your chest non stop, sweating, and severe anxiety. It doesn't seem to end and it's full force CONSTANTLY. The only thing you can think about is whether your heart is going to stop, explode, or if you're going to have a seizure. It will absolutely humble you.
After a week of withdrawals it's time to start classes at rehab. They kept us on a very strict 8am-9pm schedule to limit our free time (even weekends) It's a very challenging experience. It's 13 hours a day where you're digging deep into yourself to learn how to deal with the thoughts you were running from while drinking. Things you don't want to think about. It's a tough thing to do and not to my surprise there were many people there that couldn't make it through a week. It's something you have to be 100% ready to face, and ready I was.
During this time, my love for rocket league returned in full stride. A game I had all but given up on while I was drinking. I didn't have much free time, but you best believe that I spent nearly every minute of it playing RL on my laptop. It was the PERFECT escape. I wasn't allowed wifi there, so I spent all my time listening to music, messing around in freeplay, and flying through rings. For the first time I felt like I finally had a healthy way to unwind and clear my head. Something about doing spins while flying through rings to the beat of good music was just relaxing. I found myself increasingly more eager to to start playing competitive again once I return to the real world.
And then there I was. I had just one more day left in rehab. I was feeling like an entirely new person. Eating healthy, sleeping regularly, and exercising daily REALLY made and impact on me. I was feeling better than ever and bursting with excitement about what my new life in sobriety will bring. I was ready to get back home. Unfortunately, home wasn't ready for me. I received a call that day from my roommates that I can't go back. A completely fair and just decision on their part. The timing was just unfortunate. They were unaware I was getting out and thought I would of had more time to find a place to live. Now here I was, standing outside of rehab with all my bags, no car, nowhere to go, 10 hours away from home. Great.
I will admit, I wanted to drink. I was scared. I looked back to what I had learned over the past 30 days. You see..
Sometimes, the world likes to throw one last punch at you right as you're about to make it. You have to remember that the only impact anything ever has on your life.. Is how YOU respond.
I got an uber and I went straight to a hotel. Instead of drinking, I went to my room, pulled out my laptop, blasted some tunes, and did some motherfcking spins in some motherfcking rings.
Later that night I got a phone call from my uncle. He just so happened to know someone in Dallas who lived in an oxford (sober) house and was looking for a roommate immediately. To get the room you had to pass an open interview that was happening THAT NIGHT. The interview I passed for the room I still live in, happily, with my sober roommates. The opportunity I would have missed had I went out for a beer instead of rocket league.
Adjusting wasn't the easiest. I had a place to live but I never intended on moving 10 hours away. I got depressed. I missed my friends, my family. This was at the peak of covid, so it was really difficult to meet new people as well. I spent a lot of time alone. During this time I played a LOT of Rocket League. I met a lot of people online and in a way I actually prefer it. I have a really genuine circle of people I play with almost nightly. Man let me tell you, I never thought I would laugh as hard as I do most nights SOBER, with people I've never even met in person. It's surreal. I know it might sound cheesy, but literally in my perspective Rocket League has given me an outlet when I needed it the most. Instead of "I can't wait to get home and open a beer" It's "I can't wait to get home and show the boys this meme"
Rocket League has become my ultimate stress relief. It opened a door to an amazing world for me with amazing people. It's given me peace and friendship. It's given me a sense of belonging, and brought passion for competition back into someone who not long ago didn't care enough to even get up to brush their teeth everyday. So much of who I am has been sparked back into life and it's all because of Rocket League.
Here I am a while later, still sober, with a happy home, and still spinning through rings and I'm not looking back.
A sober champion in game and IRL
And I can not express just how incredibly thankful I am.
-Zak
If anyone reads this, and you are struggling, please know that you are absolutely not alone. My inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to, but I would highly encourage you to consider telling someone you trust what is going on. Odds are, they already know and they are just waiting for the opportunity for you to let them help you. Addiction is tough as sh*t. You can do this <3
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