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The title may seem overly dramatic but before you assume that let me explain before you DV me into the basement.
Wife and Husband gamer's for 21 years, wife became ill with incurable cancer before we got married (Acute lymphoblastic leukaemia with Philadelphia positive chromosome) I quite my career in computers to be her full time carer, we spent the next 21 years fighting the illness, side effects diabetes, full renal failure.
When you are stuck in a house for 18 years of that life, while books, TV and music have benefits, there is nothing quite like gaming to share with a loved one especially when it becomes the only world you have access to.
It gave Paola an escape from a death sentence given to her 21 years ago, an escape from the pain and insomnia that was her life.
We played all through the Division together.
13th of November last year she suffered a silent heart attack and after 7 days in the coronary care unit (her heart only functioning at 14% at rest) she suffered 2 cardiac arrests and died at 42.
My life ended that day, no regrets no future goals in life, I always told Paola "I only need to live one more day than you" she was my best friend we needed no one else.
7 Days after she died I was diagnosed with Bowel cancer (yeah I know %££ you universe don't I deserve a break, the funeral hadn't even been sorted yet).
I decided to fight it and went into hospital in January to have surgery (40% of my bowels removed) I can't eat bacon anymore :(.
But it was all just a distraction, I listened to all the audio books she had bought me (I never had time while caring for her) I sorted the house, rebuilt computers...
But it was all just distractions, I got no enjoyment from anything, eating, I couldn't game, I couldn't watch my favourite movies, these were all things I did with her, I have all the tech I could every want all the consoles, 2 gaming pc's and 2 VR setups plus a gaming laptop but no one to share it with.
Doctors and therapist knew I was considering suicide.
Quite rationally, I was going to wait till i'd seen Endgame and then end myself (no family, no friends (RL I mean) no one to miss me, to put it in perspective Funeral was on the 10th December and no one except nurse has visited me, I am alone.
Add to the grieving process 20 years Reactive depression diagnosis, ADHD and somewhere on the autism scale. (kind of a perfect storm of destruction coming my way).
And the entire of our county (Staffordshire UK) has only 4 fully qualified mental health professionals.
I logged on The Division for the last time before uninstalling it, I walked the entire city talking to my wife as if she was with me, sort of a farewell tour, all the places we went to get crafting components, the cars and trucks we wrote our name in bullets.
When I logged of the advertisement for the Division 2 came up, I shook my head because After the debacle of Fallout 76 and Anthem I just had very low expectations.
But I thought to myself what do I have to lose, so I read some reviews, watched some youtube videos and everyone was saying it was actually quite good, I came on this forum to ask if it was solo friendly.
Next Day I bought the Ultimate edition (why not, money means nothing to me anymore).
Since november I have tried over and over to play any game, to distract myself to push myself into doing something other than sitting and staring Nothing worked, I have 680 games on steam and I couldn't play anything.
Before yesterday even logging on the computers was just going through the motions, just doing something to keep from doing nothing.
I am now level 9 in The Division 2 and when I woke up this morning, I actually wanted to log on and play, I've spend most of the day actually enjoying a game, I'm not a fast leveller I'm not the best gamer, I spent a lot of the day just exploring.
A longer post than I wanted it to be, its 1am I am going to bed now having just logged off the game.
2 days ago I would have said, I can do anything I want with my life but there is nothing I want to do with my life because the person who made everything in my life special is gone, that is still true.
I am a gamer it is part of who I am it always has been and if I can just get one little piece back even if I spend the rest of my life in my bathrobe, then Thank you Massive and Thank you Ubisoft.
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