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Fellow guardians: As many of you experienced over this season, the Iron Burden was available. In order to get a certain emblem, you needed to get 2,500 kills. I am no crucible god but I wanted it. This is my story over the season, in journal form. I spent a few minutes after ever day, sometimes every match, to record my thoughts:
0-500 kills: I was able to complete it the first week. A guaranteed curated Wizened Rebuke? It was super difficult and it turned out the gun was...underwhelming. Already 75% of the clan thought I was crazy for doing it. A few joined me. “Never again” we all said. “Definitely not worth it” we told ourselves. All that work for a gun? HA! How naive we all were. How innocent.
Then the announcement – 2,500 kills will net you a mediocre-looking emblem. Damn it, I love emblems. Hell, just a week ago I donated $50 to get an emblem and so the weirdos at Bungie could dress up in kilts and take pictures with children or something like that. I need that emblem, I told myself. Two weeks to do it. 14 days of Iron Banner. 2,000 kills. This is my journal. Heavily edited to remove most of the swear words...
4/23, 650 kills (+150): Our team just got mercy-ruled again. I was first place with 5 kills and the Iron Burden. What are these people doing? This one guardian on the other team really likes killing me then emoting. I bet he thinks the t-bagging and emoting is getting to me. But he can’t hurt me any more than I’ve hurt myself. I am already suffering “Tbaggins42069yolosweat.” Do you think your salty bagging is making it worse? I have looked into the eyes of horror and found only myself staring back.
4/24, 696 kills (+46): It’s Friday and I just went on to r/DTG and saw someone post, “I FINALLY got this emblem.” I’m sitting at 1,005 kills. No Finally. Screw you, breh. But also, I respect and admire you for doing it. Just…remember me. I also saw someone win-traded to get their emblem and got it done day 1 of the second week. When I first saw it, I was appalled – cheating to get it done? He should be perma-banned. Now, this far in, I’m seriously considering contacting him to find out how to replicate it. Each day I grind it looks like a better and better option.
4/25, 829 kills (+133): I want to find the person who came up with this triumph. Names. I want names. I want to understand their story. I want to know what it was that set them down this irredeemable path into darkness. Did they read the Batman comics as a kid and think to themselves, “Man, I really like that Joker guy. But he doesn’t take it quite far enough.” Did they go through life dreaming of they day when they could set up a ridiculous goal to ruin people’s enjoyment of a game? I bet they thought of it while they were getting a prostate exam. A double-prostate exam. Maybe at their last job they were a prostate-exam-implement-tester so that’s what they did 8hrs a day and overtime on weekends when their manager Karen had to take her kids to the pool or something.
4/26, 1005 kills (+176): Our team just got a total of 14 points…two people didn’t even get any defeats. What were they doing? Why can’t I get people on my team that want to win? Or at least not lose so badly. Matchmaking times were killing me…it’s been 5 minutes and I still don’t have a game. I’m attempting to learn Eliksni but my vocal chords are just not designed to make some of those sounds. I got a message from someone that called it, “The B” and I’ve taken a liking to calling it that. It’s like “The D” but harder, less satisfying and a whole lot less pleasing.
4/27, 1,401 kills (+396): Would it have been better if Dominus Ghaul had just ended all of it at the top of his ship? We wouldn’t have had to keep fighting. I wouldn’t be dying to sidearms in 3 shots. I remember long ago with the “Wayfarer” title where you had to get all the Sleeper Nodes on Mars. That took me something like 2 months opening ~5 per day. That was just preparing me for this. That was the kiddie ride preparing me for this cursed, spiked, burning, merry-go-round of pain. I’ve begun praying to pagan gods in order to secure kills. Ba’al couldn’t have been all that bad…worked for people for thousands of years. Good crops, fertility, great RNG, why not?
4/28, 1,675 kills (+274): I think my transformation is complete. I have begun thinking of the most ridiculous triumphs to give people. And the most asinine rewards that I could get away with. What if we make people farm 10,000 pieces of Bayron Bough? What if that then nerfs their Crimson to do 50% damage. If they can then get 777 kills with that gun at Legend in Competitive, they can turn it in to receive a Cayde-6 Treasure Map. Then it just deletes the internet. Send help. What is it called when you hurt people because someone else hurt you first? Other than a Bungie developer? Hurt People Hurt People
4/29, 1,845 Kills (+170): I ran a marathon earlier this year. I thought I suffered then. I’m not a runner and I’m not a tiny man. It was the most insane physical activity I’ve ever completed. I was in pain for hours and sore for two weeks. That being said, it was just my body that broke. The Iron Burden has broken my mind. I don’t remember going to sleep last night. I don’t remember waking up. But at least this week is over.
4/30, END OF WEEK TWO: Well, It’s Wednesday after Iron Banner #2 finished up. I can finally rest my eyes and arms from playing all weekend. I think I’m getting old because my arms and fingers hurt. That’s probably fine. The pain will keep me going. I think I’m going to read a book tonight. If I still remember how to read.
5/2: It's Thursday after Iron Banner. I thought I’d be able to rest myself up for the next encounter. Instead, I made the mistake of doing some math at work. I got 1,345 kills over 150 games last week. That’s 9 kills per game. That’s…9 kills…per game. Oh no. Not good at all. That means I need 73 more games to get the remaining 655 kills for the emblem. Also I am poo-poo-garbage at crucible. My clan leader Jonathan told me, “Just view it as an eventuality. It’s just a matter of time” Put in enough games and you will get it. But what if I die before IB comes around again? Will my friends finish it for me? Delete my browsing history and finish my Iron Burden. Carry my cross if you will. If a cross were a self-inflicted punishment that I brought on by my own actions and by my own choice.
5/14, 2013 kills (+168): When William Shakespeare wrote, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more” he must have been playing an advance copy of D2. Really, the emblem we all get at the end should be a guardian whipping himself. Better yet, the guardian o-facing as Lord Shaxx flatulates him/her. Hot. Fitting. Or maybe Shakespeare whipping us? I want to feel something again. Ok, switching to a can-do attitude. I’ve got less than 500 kills left! That’s the same amount I did in the first week. 6 days remain. The Iron Burden is all I can think about at work. My friend DeadScreeb23 said that I would become Iron Man if I got to 2,500. Get it? Because Iron Banner? I’ve been narrating a lot of my life and missing a lot of jokes.
5/15, 2163 (+150): Three games where I had 2, 2, and 6 points. Why am I doing this? Not Forgottens, Dust Rock Blues and a full 6-stack. The first game, mercied. Second game, mercied them. Third game, mercied again by the same team from game 1…are there really that few people playing? Why would you match me against them again? I got stomped the first time, I certainly haven’t gotten better in the one game since. Then I had a 21-point game. OMG I AM A CRUCIBLE GOD AGAIN. I CAN DO THIS. I fell asleep in my chair and my wife woke me up. Said I had to go to bed. She’s so good to me. Then I had a dream about whipping. Can’t share it on here.
5/16, 2,323 (+160): I’ve gotten into a psudo-light-war with this one guy on the other team. He went to 599. I went to 596. He went to 592. I went to 532. He stopped. I got 3 kills that game. He won that battle but DAMMIT I WON THE PAIN WAR. I have gotten more messages from people playing with The Burden vs. any other time. “Gg” and “good luck” – what the hell? “You can do it!” Don’t tell me my business. This isn’t the xbox messages I know and love. No one accusing my mother of heinous acts?
5/17, 2402 (+79): To be honest, I stopped here for Datto. 24:02 is no joke. I like to imagine all the people that have been killing me. I hope they are thinking to themselves, “Man, I’m really improving at Crucible.” I like this Destiny game. I’m going to keep playing.” Maybe my decent into despair is helping them enjoy the game even more. I just got a double-kill with Mountaintop…and my Iron Burden was turned off. SON OF A GUN
5/18, 2500 (+98): Right at noon, with the help of my friend Kyle, I hit 2,500. I danced and danced. I unlocked it and now it will sit on my Titan forever. I will cherish it as much as the Nanophoenix I grinded out 70 raids for in D1. Until D3 where all my achievements are thrown away forever. Someone on Reddit is going to post “I got 6969 kills with Iron Burden and it was super easy, please make more challenging things like this.” Please don’t be that person. Please. #neveragain. The biggest reward is never having to do this again.
Please, Bungie, can we at least get an Iron Burden Pin in Bungie Rewards? Or a gorram medal? Maybe in the shape of a whip? With Shaxx laughing? I need some physical representation of what just happened.
TLDR: I slip into then out of madness as I complete the “Now You’re Just Showing Off” Triumph
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