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TL;DR - There is no, sorry, need to speak up.
Yesterday, Monday, 28.10, my mother died in hands of my father.
It was random, sudden death, at 6:30, she asked my father when he is going to work, at 8 she died. For this who don't believe - here is government signed "death certificate" - https://cryolite.s-ul.eu/c1x2RKmT.jpg
I spend great amount of time with my father, also, not gonna lie, drinking way more, than I did in past months, within last 48 hours I drunk like 1L of whisky which I hold for special time. I was searching movies, anime, game which could calm down my mind, not gonna leave titles but nothing fit this one sweat spot, help me to stop thinking about what happen and help me to bring up - what is important - stand your ground and don't do something stupid. Be a help to my father since it is most painful tragedy for him. As for me, 36, as for him, 63, I am only one who should stand this ground and help him, as story say later - Chris - you are big.
Stage 2 of Grief is called "Anger" because you search random object to drop everything. As much as I hid my anger against society, corps, religion etc. The moment I run PoE - I found place to enrage, to fight, to stand. Monsters there were image of my anger - demi-gods, gods, even special elite - souls who wished my mother to die now.
I have quit this league very early, because of extremely bad rng - no res items, not a single chaos till a6, impossible progression later on due to being pretty much 1-shot viable from normal monster, worst league in my entire history of poe, no currency to updatye my gear, no way to progress. Coincidence? Right now I don't think so. Something inside told me - install it again, play it.
I didn't plan anything, my mind is in one said - Assassin - kill and move on. Do what you would do in real life. Within around 2 hours of gameplay which I had right now, played today evening when my father slept, which I spared to myself, due to hard family problem, I feel way better. I tried old summoner but it was painful, my mind constantly asked to "summon mother", sadly, it is inside of emotional person, you cannot overcome this day after very close family tragedy.
Right now? Severs, a2, and I feel better, way better because every single monster was my fear, was my point to destroy, as much as I thinked to murder a lot of people who denied my mother sickness treatment (sadly polish Heath Care is in great vain), I feel better. I wouldn't of course do that but well... crashed mind makes you think unreasonable. Yet - PoE helped me to calm down and fight. As much as my character in Blight HC fight, I think, I can do this too. I gave myself a quest - as I play in Blight HC - I will push it to as much as possible, as much time as I will have for my last alive parent. Even then, I will push in next leagues, in name of my mother, who lived with sickness with a smile in face, who I lost but will remember till end of this world days. Because I found calm and redemption to NOT DO anything stupid in real life. I know this is fairly impossible but... what is left for me? Widely announced AAA games which gives nothing? Something what I used to overcome grandma/grandpa death? PoE is somehow special.
Not following guides, doing everything random, thinking maybe this will work - I push forward, with sounds of game music, as much as I don't listen them for years of playing, right now - they are my main path to push forward, to be victorious over quest given me by death - either die or prevail, win and live longer.
I miss my mother, a lot, I think my father miss her even more but... Playing PoE for me, when I can makes it easier for me to overcome anger and sadness. To stand my ground and - like exile at the end - be victorious over demons whos main order is to annihilate you inside, then outside. Death took one part of me - I will not let it get second part so fast. Kitava, you are dead no matter what.
At the end - Thank you Chris, Kamil and rest of the team - you make my days better, easier to handle, easier to not fall into alcoholism, easier to stand my ground and help father to push day after day. As much as my father hate video games, myself, I thank you a lot. At the end, I am the one who should stand the ground and help him, and you are the one who help me forget, disconnect, fight.
I don't expect much voice from this post, but just writing this makes me feel better, Whoever read this, thank you, I appreciate your time and... Thank you!
As someone with several genetic despises who have extremely low chance to find his life partner and right now living alone - you save my life. I greatly thank you!
@Edit: Idk in which flair put this so I leave this in discussion, mods please adjust for appropriate one if you decide like it should be elsewhere.
@Edit2: I can't write everything in one run, added some thing.
@Edit3: I am really sorryu for updating this post, I cannot spell everything at once, constantly something comes to my mind, which I would love to share with you, as this community is great. I just can't focus correctly. I am very sorry ;(
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